


i'm cold, come closer.

by space_phan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic, Fake Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Holidays, M/M, New Year's Eve, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-22 07:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17055419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_phan/pseuds/space_phan
Summary: "Dan," Phil pleaded.  “It’s just for Christmas.  Please, I can’t remember the last time she’s sounded so happy.”Despite everything, Dan found himself agreeing to it.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan was freezing, and totally not bitter.  He didn’t remember it being this cold last December.  At least, last December, he was able to keep warm, which is a lot more difficult now, because Phil decided to steal the blanket that was specifically _Dan’s_.  Dan shot another icy glare at Phil, who was sitting there smugly, wrapped in the furry silver blanket that he had claimed.  “Okay, that’s it, give it back!” Dan grabbed the blanket, throwing it around himself. Phil grabbed it at the same time, laughing.  Soon they were practically playing tug-of-war with Dan’s blanket, laughing hysterically at how ridiculous they were being.

“Dan, if you’re really that cold, why don’t we share it?”

“What?” Dan and Phil typically had barely any personal space, but this seemed like a bit much.

“I’m sorry, I just thought-”

“No, it’s fine, was just a bit surprised is all.”

Dan moved closer to Phil until their thighs were touching and wrapped the blanket around the two of them.  Finally being warm was amazing, but _Phil._  Dan tried to relax.  There’s nothing weird about this situation.  Nothing romantic or cute or anything. They were just trying to warm up.  He felt himself getting a bit too warm and mentally cursed himself for blushing so easily.  He angled his face away from Phil, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He couldn’t let his silly crush make this awkward.  At least, that’s what he thought, until Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan froze.  It was one thing to sit together sharing a blanket, but Phil was fully leaning on him.  They never did anything remotely close to cuddling except when they were drunk. Dan was definitely visibly blushing.  If Dan thought he was nervous before, he definitely was nervous now.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. “You’re just really warm, it’s comfy.”  
  
Of course.  Phil just was trying to warm up on such a cold day.  Dan shouldn’t have thought anything different. Best friends do this.  Best friends can sit too close together and lean on each other and cuddle, right?  Dan leaned his head against the top of Phil’s. It was nice, and it took every ounce of Dan’s self control not to wrap his arms around Phil and pull him closer.  Then, far too soon, Phil pulled away.

Phil laughed, cringing.  “I just got ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ stuck in my head at the worst possible time!”

Dan giggled. “It isn’t the _worst_ possible time, it definitely is cold outside.  At least we can warm each other up- that sounded so much better in my head!”

Phil was laughing hysterically now; Dan was too, but it felt forced.  Deep down, he was mortified. “I can’t believe I just said that!” Phil’s laughing gradually quieted down, and then he was just looking at Dan, smiling.  Dan smiled back at him, confused. Then Phil was leaning back on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. Dan felt himself going beet red. What was Phil doing?  Why was he being so affectionate today? Dan pushed his thoughts away and relaxed in Phil’s arms.

“Just trying to keep warm,” Phil said, but it sounded more like an excuse. 

They stayed like this for a long time.  Dan was almost emotional. Almost. He kept telling himself this is normal, that best friends do this, but he couldn’t get the way Phil had smiled at him out of his mind, couldn’t get the almost joking tone of Phil saying he was “trying to keep warm” out of his mind.  Why would Phil so confidently suggest sharing a blanket with Dan and then try to cuddle him? _Quit overthinking, Dan,_ he thought.  Deep down, Dan knew that Phil was probably just cold and lonely.  Dan couldn’t even remember how long it’s been since someone properly held him, and he’s pretty sure it’s been almost as long if not longer for Phil.  He could never bring himself to date anyone the past nine years, and Phil hadn’t had anything serious either. Dan was just fine being best friends with Phil freaking Lester.  At least, that’s what he told himself. He still found himself wondering what’d happen if he just leaned over and kissed Phil right now…

Phil interrupted his thoughts.  “Dan, we should probably get ready soon if we ever want to go Christmas shopping.”

“I don’t wannaaa,” Dan whined, snuggling closer to Phil.

“We have to sooner or later.”

“Ugh, fine.”

 

After stopping at a few stores, Dan and Phil parted ways to buy each other’s gifts, agreeing to meet at Starbucks in an hour.  Dan had already planned to order a gift for Phil online, so he walked straight to Starbucks. Sitting in him and Phil’s usual corner, his mind wandered back to that morning.  He knew it would never happen again, but he couldn’t get it out of his mind. What if he had kissed Phil then? What if Phil wasn’t just trying to keep warm, and genuinely wanted to cuddle Dan?  What if he- He immediately dismissed the thought. _No,_ he reminded himself, _Phil can’t feel that way.  He can’t. That could ruin everything._  He and Phil must stay just friends, nothing more.  He questioned this belief, then reminded himself about how easily rumors can spread.  Get caught doing as much as holding hands and there would be a massive shitstorm, to say the least.  Dan stopped worrying when Phil walked through the doors. Everything would be fine. Phil is his best friend, and always will be.

After a heated debate, Dan managed to convince Phil to order the drinks for both of them.  Sipping too-sweet coffees and eating brownies, they sat in their couches, scrolling Twitter.  Dan’s phone buzzed. Phil giggled. “What!?” Dan checked his notifications to see that Phil had taken a photo of him mid-blink and posted it on Twitter.  “Okay, delete that immediately!” Dan tried to take the phone out of Phil’s hand, then decided on a better solution: revenge. After a few minutes, he began to secretly take photos of Phil.  After finally taking one bad enough, he replied to Phil’s tweet.

“Hey!” Phil said a bit too loudly, laughing.

“I win!”

“This isn’t over yet, Howell!”

Moments like this were why Dan loved being Phil’s best friend.  They could always be guaranteed to make fun of each other in the most hilarious ways.  He and Phil each bought themselves another coffee, then walked to the bus stop.

 

Dan sat alone in his room that night.  After scrolling Twitter, Instagram, and even Facebook, he threw his phone on the bed and laid down.  He thought about anything and everything, from Phil cuddling him that morning, to how long 13 billion years is, to Christmas.  He wasn’t really looking forward to spending Christmas with his family. It’s not like he didn’t love them, but being around them constantly for days would get annoying and stressful pretty quickly.  Maybe he could spend Christmas with Phil’s family, at least for a day or two. _That’s weird,_ he thought.  Dan spent more time with Phil’s family than his own, but it felt like it would be a little too much to ask to spend Christmas with them.  That’s something _couples_ do, and he and Phil were absolutely not a couple.  Still, it wouldn’t be that weird, right? Dan was practically part of the Lester family anyway.  Dan made his decision, and walked to Phil’s room.

“Phil?” Dan walked in, not bothering to knock.  

Phil sat up.  “Yeah?”

“Okay, this is a kind of weird thing to ask, but, uh, can I spend Christmas with your family this year?”

Phil gave Dan an understanding smile.  “Yeah, I’ll tell Kath now.”

Dan sat down on the bed, next to Phil, as Phil typed something out on his phone and pressed send.  Only a moment later, Phil’s phone rang.

“Hi Mum!  Yeah...mhm…” Phil turned red. “Y-yeah,” He spoke quickly, sounding rushed. “Yes we’re very happy, I’ll tell you everything in person! Bye!” Phil hung up, burying his face in his hands.

“What was that?”

“She said she’s so glad that I’m finally bringing home a _boyfriend_ for Christmas.”

“And you went along with it?!”

“I’m sorry!  I didn’t know how to explain!”

Dan felt anxiety building in his chest.  He couldn't do this. He knew where this was going, and he definitely did not want to have to pretend to be Phil’s boyfriend.  It was already hard enough to ignore his little crush.

“Phil, you need to explain this to her right now.  Tell her we’re not dating, and you just panicked and didn’t know what to say.”

“Dan,” Phil pleaded.  “It’s just for Christmas.  Please, I can’t remember the last time she’s sounded so happy.”

Despite everything, Dan found himself agreeing to it.

Dan stayed in Phil’s room for a while.  They didn’t talk, simply sat together, on their phones, occasionally showing each other memes and dog gifs.  It was somewhere in between comfortable and awkward silence. Dan was too busy replaying their previous conversation to focus on his Twitter feed. 

He stood up abruptly.  “I’m going to bed.”

“Dan,” Phil started, avoiding eye contact.  “This is going to sound really weird.”

“What?”

“Um, you’re probably going to have to sleep in my bed at my parents’ house in a few days, so, uh…maybe we could get used to that?”

“Oh.”

“It’s fine if you don’t want to, I was just thinking-”

“Okay.”  Dan stood there for a moment.  This was weird. This was definitely weird.  He’d shared a bed with Phil before, but that was years ago.  Reassuring himself that it’d make things less awkward when he stayed with Phil’s family, he walked over to Phil’s bed.  Dan laid there, awkwardly turned away from Phil. He knew he shouldn’t be this nervous. This was normal. The situation they were in was far from normal, but sharing a bed was mostly normal, right?  Friends can do that.

Dan knew he wouldn’t be sleeping much tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan woke up to a sleeping Phil’s arms wrapped around him.  Still half asleep, he moved closer to Phil. He wished he could do this every day.

_Shit!_  Dan flew out of Phil’s grasp and sprinted out of the room.  He slammed the door, throwing himself onto his bed. He couldn’t believe what he’d agreed to the night before.  This could ruin everything. He’d accidentally let his real feelings show and ruin everything, or someone besides Phil’s family would find out that they were supposedly dating.  This was _Phil._ He could lose him.  He could lose everything.

He heard a quiet knock on his door.  In his sleep-deprived brain he almost thought it was a good idea to yell at Phil, to tell him to leave, tell him how stupid he had been to suggest this.  Instead, he took a deep breath and told him to come in.

“You okay?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t seem okay.” Phil walked towards Dan.

Dan knew he had to tell the truth.  “I can’t believe I agreed to this.”

Phil looked at him questioningly, then something clicked in his mind.  He sat down next to Dan.

“We don’t have to do this, you know,” Phil said.  “We could just tell her it was a misunderstanding.”

“You didn’t seem to think that yesterday.”

“If you’re really this bothered by it, then we don’t have to.”

Truth is, Dan wasn’t bothered by it, at least not in the way Phil seemed to think.  Of course he wanted an excuse to act like a couple with Phil, but it would end as soon as Christmas passed, and Dan didn’t know how he could deal with that.  There was also a slight problem: the idea of dating Phil, pretend or not, was absolutely terrifying to Dan. He was certain that it wouldn’t work out the way he wanted, that it would ruin their friendship.  Every rational bone in his body was screaming for him to agree with Phil, to explain the situation to Phil’s parents and pretend this entire mess never happened.

He still found himself saying, “No, Phil.  We’re doing this. Wait, Phil, what’s wrong?”

“Um,” was all Phil said.

“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to, either.”

“It’s not that, just, um… This is weird, but we’re going to have to act like a couple when we’re with them.  We might even have to kiss...”

“Is this just a really awkward way of trying to get me to kiss you?”

“Yes, Dan, shut up!  It’s just practice!”

They both laughed for a moment, then Dan looked at Phil.  He was blushing slightly, no longer laughing.

“So,” Dan said.  “Should we just get it over with now?”

“I think if we don’t, I’ll be too scared to do it later.”

“Okay,” Dan said, his voice wavering slightly.

Dan turned to face Phil, who was avoiding eye contact, chewing on his bottom lip slightly.  He cupped Phil’s cheek with one hand, and Phil looked into his eyes, his face turning even redder.  Then Phil was leaning in, and Dan froze, his heart pounding in his ears.

A moment later Phil’s lips were on his.  The kiss was awkward at first, and their noses bumped slightly, but then Phil’s hands were in his messy hair and for a moment everything was _perfect,_ at least, until Phil pulled away.

“Wow,” was all Dan could think of to say.

“Yeah, wow.”

“Why didn’t we do this ages ago?”

“We had nothing to practice for then.”

“Yeah, sure.  Practice…” Dan leaned in again, stopping a few inches from Phil’s face, then said, smirking, “Like you haven’t wanted to do that for years.”

“I’d say the same to you, Dan!  Don’t you go falling in love with me!”

Teasing Phil was fun.  He could do that. This was all just messing around, trying to annoy each other.  If he thought of it like that, everything would be fine.

“Coffee?” Phil asked.

“Sure.” Dan kissed Phil lightly on the cheek, expressing his gratitude in a way that was now allowed between them.  He reveled in the blush he earned from it.

This was just acting.  He could do that.

 

After losing track of how many cups of coffee they had had and rewatching a few episodes of My Hero Academia, they decided to film a gaming video.  Despite almost constantly flirting and teasing each other that morning, they managed to keep everything separate. Anything remotely close to it could easily be passed off as their typical playful banter.

With nothing else productive left to do, Dan began editing the video right away, Phil sitting next to him “helping.”  Dan turned the monitor towards Phil. Phil on the screen was making a quite ugly face.

“That’s attractive - I’m sure people will love giffing that!”

“Hey!  Edit that out immediately!”  Phil shoved him. Dan shoved him back.  They bickered over the clip for a minute, and it escalated into a full-on shoving match.  “Fine, fine, I’ll edit it out! But I’m keeping this in,” Dan skipped to a part where it looked like Phil was looking him up and down.  He was obviously looking at the wild gestures Dan was making, but Dan knew it would be taken out of context. Phil laughed awkwardly. Dan had won this time.

“Okay, actually shut up!”

“Make me,” Dan teased.

“You realize that when people say that it’s usually an invitation to make out, right?”

“Maybe I do,” Dan leaned towards Phil, staring into his eyes.

“Well it’s a good thing I brought mistletoe!” Phil winked, dangling something leafy and green above him and Dan.  Dan’s eyes widened.

“Th-that’s lettuce!” Dan spluttered between bursts of hysterical laughter.

Phil was laughing too now, his tongue between his teeth.   _Adorable,_ Dan thought to himself, not bothering to ignore it this time.  Moments like this made it hard to resist just leaning in and kissing Phil.  Then Dan realized he could. This kiss wasn’t nearly as sweet as the first. Dan grabbed Phil by the collar of his shirt, kissed him roughly, then quickly pulled away.  He started laughing again, an awkward, slightly too loud laugh. Phil stared at him, stunned, then laughed too while leaning his head on Dan’s shoulder

“Just practicing.” Dan winked.

“Okay, okay,” Phil said, trying to hold in his laughter.  “We should go back to editing, and maybe we’ll watch some cheesy Christmas movies after?”

“I think you mean I should go back to editing, you’ve just been on your phone the whole time.”

“Okay, _you_ can go back to editing.”

“Hey!”

 

After editing the video for almost two hours straight, Dan pressed save, deciding to leave the rest of the work to Phil.  They sat on Dan’s bed, sharing popcorn, then an entire extra large pizza, as two movies became three, and three movies became five.  Most of the Christmas movies that played were extremely cheesy and aggressively family friendly, some obviously made for kids. By the fourth movie Phil was occasionally checking his phone.  Dan allowed it, pretending to be just as bored. He secretly enjoyed most of the films, though he’d never admit it.

“Daaan,” Phil complained.  “I’m cold.”

“Get under the blanket, you spoon!”

Phil turned towards Dan.  “We should practice, remember?”  He wrapped an arm around Dan. Dan froze for a second, then reminded himself that this was all pretend, just practice to make it more convincing when they were with the Lesters.   _We’re just acting._  Dan leaned into Phil’s chest, smiling when Phil ran a hand through his hair.  He tried to ignore the fact that it wasn’t really real, tried to truly enjoy this moment.  Right now, everything seemed perfect.

Dan drifted off to sleep still in Phil’s arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan still didn’t quite understand.  Why did Kath assume that he and Phil were dating?  He’d spent enough time with Phil’s family for her to know they weren’t a couple.  Dan tried to avoid questioning it, but he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Maybe it was his anxiety talking, but something just didn’t seem right about all this.

The last few days before they left passed in a flurry of cuddles, flirting, and occasional kisses.  Dan knew it should’ve been weird, but it didn’t feel too different to the way they already were, though it was very clear most of the time that Phil was joking.  It was very clear what times they were practicing acting like a couple, and very clear what times they were just the usual Dan and Phil. One of the times stuck out to Dan.  They had been jokingly arguing over a TV show, and it had escalated into playfully lightly hitting and shoving each other. Then Phil grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him.  He knew Phil was just playing around, but this kiss seemed different. It seemed like neither of them really wanted to pull away. When they did, Dan was speechless and knew he had turned beet red.  The few seconds of silence were deafening, and Dan eventually finally faked a laugh and joked, “Wow, Phil, are you going to kiss me like that in front of your parents?” Phil just shoved him again.

Dan smiled for a moment when he remembered this, before remembering this was all supposed to be pretend.   _ Pretend. _  He and Phil were leaving tomorrow, and then they would have to pretend all the time.  Most of this so far had obviously been just joking around. Now, if they tell one story wrong and slip up just once, they’ll be found out.  Dan wondered what the point of doing this at all had been, wondered how they managed to get into this situation, wondered how he’d manage to deal with it while it was happening and how he’d deal with it when it’s over.

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil was standing in the doorway.

There was a long silence before Dan spoke.  His voice came out more shaky than he had intended it to. “Yeah.”

“You’re worried about tomorrow, aren’t you?”

Dan nodded, sitting up.  Phil walked over and sat down on the bed next to him.

“You know we don’t have to do this,” Phil said.

“I’m not backing out, I’m just worried we’ll mess up and they’ll know we’re lying.”

“It’ll be fine, Dan.”

“Are you sure?”

Even after going over all the details of their lie for an hour, Dan knew he wouldn’t be sleeping much that night.

 

When they met at the airport, Kath pulled Dan into a tight hug.  Phil’s parents seemed at least as excited to see Dan as they were to see their actual sons.  After arriving at Phil’s parents’ house, Dan tried as hard as he could to keep the conversation centered on Martyn and Cornelia, but it didn’t take long for Martyn to gesture towards Dan and Phil and say, “More importantly, how did this happen?”

“Um-” Dan started, but Phil interrupted.

“It was nothing special, really.  I hung up mistletoe one day-”

“And I just thought ‘okay, I guess we’re doing this’ and kissed him under the mistletoe.  We talked about it later, he told me how he felt, and we’ve been together since then.” Dan glanced around the room.  Everyone seemed to have bought it, except for Cornelia, who was fully convinced they’d been a couple all along.

“I’m so happy for you,” Kath said, blinking back tears.  She turned to Phil and said, “I was so worried when you called me last month, but everything turned out how I said it would.”   


_ What?!  _  Dan tried to appear unfazed.  His mind raced as he tried to figure out what she could have possibly meant.  The only explanation he could come up with sounded completely impossible.  _ He couldn’t possibly- _ Dan pushed the thought away.  Phil certainly did not have feelings for him, and on the extremely slim chance he did, Dan doubted he’d discuss that with his mother.   _ But wouldn’t that explain why she assumed we were dating? _

Dan forced himself back to reality.  That couldn’t be true.

  
  


The bed was smaller than Phil had remembered.  Dan offered to sleep on the couch, then remembered that they needed to sleep in the same bed to keep up the lie.  They laid facing each other, so close together that Dan could feel Phil’s breath on his face. Dan wanted to kiss him, but it felt wrong somehow.  They weren’t around Phil’s family or just joking around. This was different, but still, he technically could get away with it if he wanted, right?   _ This is just acting,  _ he reminded himself, but he couldn’t ignore how easy it would be to just reach over and pull Phil in for a kiss.  It became even harder to resist when Phil snuggled up closer to him, half asleep. Dan settled for just wrapping his arms around him and running his fingers through his hair, but he couldn’t shake the thought that he actually  _ could _ kiss Phil.

After laying there for at least half an hour, it became clear that Dan would not be sleeping any time soon.  He stared at the ceiling, mind racing from topic to topic. His mind finally seemed to settle on something he absolutely did not want to think about, what Kath had said that afternoon.  He was torn between hoping her phone call with Phil had been about himself and hoping it had been about literally anything else. Dan thought for the millionth time that Phil  _ must not  _ feel the same way as he feels about him, but he was becoming uncertain.  How could loving each other really hurt anything? Something flipped in Dan’s mind.  He needed to ask Phil about what Kath had said. He needed to know the truth.

Of course, as soon as Dan had mustered up the courage to ask, he realized that Phil was fast asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Sunlight filtered in through the curtains, giving everything a warm glow.  Dan looked down at the sleeping Phil curled against his chest. He looked  _ beautiful.  _  Just days before Dan would have pushed the thought away, but this morning he just couldn’t be bothered to.  The determination he had had only days before to hide his feelings for Phil and separate their lie from reality had completely fallen apart, and Dan liked it better that way.  Maybe it was wrong to allow himself to get into this situation in the first place when his motives weren’t exactly rooted in platonic feelings, but Dan didn’t care. He got to wake up next to Phil, got to kiss Phil, and even though he knew it would only be for two more days, he wanted to hold on to every moment of it, use every opportunity he got to be closer to Phil.  He’d made up his mind.

He pressed a kiss to Phil’s forehead.  Phil’s eyes flickered open. “Morning,” Dan said quietly.  Phil just smiled and snuggled closer to him. They laid like this for a while, Dan playing with a sleepy Phil’s hair.  Most days, Phil would’ve told him to stop. Instead, Phil kissed him. The kiss was mostly just a smile.

“Phiiil,” Dan whined.  “Morning breath!”

“I don’t care.”  Phil said, kissing him again softly.

At this exact moment, Martyn walked in.  “You two are gross. Get out of bed already, lovebirds, it’s past ten already!”  


Dan rolled his eyes.  Of course the first time he had a moment like this with Phil would be interrupted by _Martyn._     


Dan laid there staring at the ceiling for a few minutes after Phil got out of bed.  This was the first time Phil had kissed him that actually felt  _ real. _  Phil hadn’t just kissed him while they were joking around, or to keep up the lie.  This terrified Dan. He’d been so certain just minutes before that didn’t care anymore, that he could just let himself love Phil and enjoy this, but this had seemed so real, so genuine.  He thought for a moment that Phil might feel the same, and that thought terrified him. Dan went back and forth with himself for what felt like forever. He finally came to a decision.  _  This was acting and nothing more. _

His resolve crumbled the moment he entered the kitchen.  Phil smiled brightly when he saw Dan.    
  
“I made you coffee!” Phil said, sounding very enthusiastic.

Dan took the mug from Phil and sipped the coffee.  His face instinctively crumpled in disgust.

“Phil! Did you give me your coffee or something?”

“Maybe it was an accident, or maybe I wanted to annoy you.”  Phil grinned.

“I hate you!”

Phil wrapped his arm that wasn’t holding a mug around Dan and said, “No you don’t,” kissing him on the cheek.   Martyn laughed. “You two are disgusting, you know we’re right here, right?” Cornelia insisted that it was cute.

Time was passing way too quickly.

 

The cafe was much nicer than their usual Starbucks.  The lights hanging from the ceiling made everything look golden, and it was oddly quiet for such a busy place.  Cornelia was excitedly telling a story, but Dan hadn’t been paying attention for long enough to quite understand what she was talking about.  It was difficult to enjoy the present and live in the moment when he knew how soon all this would end. All too soon, everything would go back to normal.  Dan glanced around the room. Most of the people there were older than him, surely no one recognized them?  _ Fuck it.  _  He reached for Phil’s hand.  Sure, things would go back to normal in two days, but that just means he needs to enjoy every moment of this.  Phil looked at him and opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again and squeezed Dan’s hand.

“Are you two even listening?”  Cornelia said. 

Dan laughed.  “No.”

He let go of Phil’s hand when the waiter walked over, handing them their drinks.  Dan immediately took a sip of the scalding hot tea and burned his entire mouth. Phil giggled.    


Dan took as many photos as he could, wanting to remember every second of these few days.

 

After spending a good two hours at the cafe, Martyn suggested going for a walk with Kath.  It was _ freezing _ outside.  Dan complained loudly, but all of Phil’s family agreed that it was a good idea.  Once they were outside, Dan found himself actually enjoying the fresh air. The path was long and winding, passing by the cartoonishly blue sea.  After around ten minutes, Dan realized Phil was shivering. 

“Phil! You’re not wearing a coat!”

“I’m fine.”   


“You could wear mine,” Dan offered.

“I’m fine.”

Eventually Phil gave in.  Martyn rolled his eyes, sarcastically calling Dan a gentleman.  Cornelia seemed very amused by something.

“What?” Dan said.

“Guys, look at this!”

A few feet away from her stood the smallest house ever.  It was only about the size of a child’s dollhouse. Dan laughed, stuttering “What??” between laughs.  The five of them took turns taking photos with it. Phil, of course, made an unbearable amount of Attack On Titan jokes.  As they continued down the path, Dan felt Phil’s fingers lace through his. They were holding hands more often than not the past few days.  Dan didn’t mind it, but he still found himself glancing around, scared someone might see them.

After lots of laughter and photos taken and too much walking, the sun was beginning to set.  They began walking back up the path, Dan lingering behind the group slightly. Kath seemed lost in thought.    


She eventually turned to Dan and said, “I don’t say this enough, but I’m so proud of you two.”

“What?”

“You and Phil have achieved things that I never imagined you would.  You know, with YouTube and the tour and everything.”

Dan smiled, thinking of some of his favorite memories from tour.  “Thanks,” was all he could think of to say.

“Honestly, I doubt the two of you would’ve done all of this without each other.  You better stay with my boy and treat him well, Dan.”

“Y-you know I will.”

Dan had been back and forth with himself for a week, but now he was sure he didn’t want his pretend “relationship” with Phil to end.  It couldn’t end. He wouldn’t be the only one hurt.


	5. Chapter 5

Christmas Day.  The rest of Phil’s family would be there any minute.  Most of Phil’s relatives had at least heard of Dan, but there were a few he didn’t know and a few he was scared to see.  It hadn’t occurred to him before that Martyn and Cornelia and Phil’s parents wouldn’t be the only people who would find out about their so-called relationship.  Some of Phil’s family was very traditional and set in their ways, and he didn’t know how they’d react to Phil bringing home a boyfriend for Christmas. Phil sat on the sofa next to Dan, looking stiff and tense.

“Phil?”

“What?”

“You’re nervous too, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.  I told Mum not to tell everyone, but I’m guessing around half my family members already know.”

“Oh.”  This would be difficult.

 

The day went by in a blur of socialization and gifts.  Phil’s aunt was thrilled that Dan was wearing the hat she had made, and gave Dan and Phil scarves to match the hats.  For the most part, no one said anything about Dan and Phil besides “Nice to see you, Dan!”, but Dan still felt uncomfortable.  It was inevitable - someone would ask about their relationship, or refer to him as Phil’s boyfriend, and then everyone would know.  Dan regretted agreeing to this, but at the same time, he didn’t want their holiday to end. Then it happened.

“So how did you two get together?” One of Phil’s cousins finally said over Christmas dinner.  Dan froze, but before he could panic Phil was telling the same story they had practiced dozens of times.  Everyone knew now. Dan didn’t know if this would’ve been more or less embarrassing and terrifying had they actually been a couple.  He glanced from face to face. Thankfully, everyone seemed to take it well. It was okay. Everything was okay.

After eating far too many mince pies, Dan and Phil sat in the same place on the sofa they had earlier, but surrounded by people.  After hours surrounded by people, it was starting to get overwhelming. Phil seemed to pick up on this, and said to Kath, “I’m going out, just for a walk.”  He gestured for Dan to come with. They took a taxi to the same path they had walked the day before.

The sun had almost completely set, and the sky glowed purple-blue.  There wasn’t anyone else around, but of course there wasn’t, it’s Christmas.  It was almost romantic. They walked down the path, talking about anything and everything.  About Christmas, about Phil’s family, about the conversation they had had over dinner. Eventually they settled into a comfortable silence.  After looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else was there, Dan took Phil’s hand in his. It felt different with no one else around.  It felt _real._

After walking for a while, the two of them sat down on a park bench, facing the water.  Phil was looking at him, smiling, with a mix of fondness and nervousness in his eyes.  “Dan,” Phil said.  Dan turned to look at him. Phil cupped Dan’s face with his hand, and Dan’s brain short-circuited. Then Phil kissed him, only for a moment.  “Merry Christmas, Dan.”

Dan knew he was done for.  He had fallen for Phil completely, and couldn’t be bothered anymore to try and ignore it.  Dan pulled Phil back in for another kiss, and for a moment he forgot that maybe Phil’s just lonely, that maybe this isn’t real.  He was _in love._

 

Dan went to bed as soon as the last guest left.  He stared at the ceiling, feeling tears build up in his eyes.  He was leaving tomorrow morning. Things would go back to normal, and they’d fake a breakup and pretend none of this ever happened.  Dan knew he’d messed up. He’d treated this situation like it was real, and Phil had played along. Before now he was content with just being able to spend most of his time with Phil, but after this being best friends just wasn’t enough for him.  He’d let himself fall completely, and soon he’d have to pay the price. He didn’t know if he could bear it. When Phil climbed into bed next to him, Dan turned away, unable to look at him. His mind was screaming to tell Phil to leave. Instead, Dan got out of bed, mumbling that he was going to the bathroom.

He splashed water on his face, trying to snap out of it.   _What’s wrong with you?_ The thought repeated in his mind until it lost meaning.  Dan stared at his reflection. He looked somewhere in between angry and terrified.  He realized he was barely breathing. He tried taking deep breaths, tried counting to ten, tried everything he could to calm down.  He considered his options. He could talk to Phil. He could tell him everything and brace himself for the inevitable rejection. Or he could ignore this and try to distract himself like he did with everything else.  His mind was stuck somewhere in between.

But what if Phil felt the same way?  Part of Dan had been terrified of that.  The anxiety in the back of his mind chanting “it wouldn’t work out” had died down to a dull whisper.  He had gotten comfortable with pretending to date Phil. There were moments where it felt real, and he longed for it to be real.  He couldn’t hide it any longer. He needed to talk to Phil soon. Maybe not today, but soon. Before all of this was over.

He returned to Phil’s bedroom and laid down, wrapping an arm around Phil’s waist.  Phil instinctively moved closer.

“I love you,” Dan whispered, but Phil was already asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

After two busy days with his own family, Dan was finally back home.  He absolutely did not miss Phil. He definitely wasn’t constantly arguing with himself over whether he should call him, and he absolutely, positively was not literally counting the minutes until Phil would arrive home tomorrow.

Okay, maybe he missed Phil a little bit, he admitted to himself, but he was also terrified to call him and terrified to see him again.  It was impossible to avoid talking about how they’d find a way to end their lie and fake a breakup forever. Dan constantly imagined how it would play out, with every possible outcome he could come up with.  Phil would eventually mention it, then Dan would tell him how he feels, and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t be rejected. He told himself he was okay, that all that really matters is that Phil doesn’t hate him after this, but when he finally worked up the courage to Skype Phil, it didn’t go nearly how he expected.

Dan faked a smile when the pixelated image of Phil came up.  He laughed at all the right times and continued the silly small talk for as long as possible, as if he hadn’t felt the beginning of a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes, as if he didn’t feel like he was drowning.  But then, Phil said it.

“So… what are we going to do about the whole ‘fake dating’ thing?”

Dan just mumbled an “I don’t know,” thinking that if he looked at Phil he would fall apart.

“It’ll be even harder to convince them that we broke up.  Do you have any ideas?”

_We could just stay the way we are-_ “I guess we could just say we were better off as friends.”  Dan’s voice came out way shakier than he expected.

A strange expression flashed on Phil’s face, but after a few seconds of silence he said, “Are you sure they’d believe that?”

_I don’t want them to believe it-_ “It-it’s the only way that wouldn’t involve us pretending to hate each other.”

Phil seemed lost in thought, but said “Okay.”

Dan tried to force the words out, but it was too late.  They’d already made their decision and moved on to a new topic, and not long after, Phil ended the call.  Phil clearly didn’t feel the same about him, otherwise he would’ve said something, right? Yet Dan couldn’t stop thinking about the look in Phil’s eyes when he noticed how upset Dan sounded.  It was somewhere in between concern and...hope? Dan clung to the possibility that Phil felt the same, but he knew that it was too late. He smiled sadly when he remembered how scared he’d been of dating Phil.  He’d give anything to go back to being satisfied with being just friends.

How could he have let this happen?  How could he have let himself get into this situation in the first place?  How could he have let himself fall for Phil completely? All Dan could think was of what he should have done.  He should have never agreed to pretend to date Phil. He should have avoided letting his feelings get in the way of all this.  He should have said something, shouldn’t have let this end.

 

The next morning, Dan found himself scrolling through Tumblr, trying to keep himself from thinking too much.  His mind still wandered back to the situation with Phil, and that Phil would be coming home that day. Curious as to what his fans were up to, and possibly wanting to wallow, he searched for _#dan and phil,_ then _#phan_ .  Of course, the tags were full of posts that implied they were a couple and gifs of them smiling at each other fondly.  Dan was furious at himself. Maybe they could have been together for a long time already if he hadn’t been so _scared._  

Far down in the _#phan_ tag, he saw a few fanfictions.  He clicked on “read more” on one of them, partly out of curiosity, partly to make himself feel worse.  It was a rather long story, and eerily similar to the situation he was currently in. It had Christmas and a fake relationship and all, though he supposed that was a rather cliche situation to be in.  The details were slightly different, of course, and there was one major difference - fanfiction Dan’s story ended well. It wasn’t fair! Why couldn’t he have his happy ending, too?! Dan slammed his laptop shut.

Only a few minutes later, he heard a key turning in the door.  He reluctantly walked to the door to meet Phil. As soon as the door was shut, Phil pulled Dan into a tight hug.  Dan tried to forget about everything. Phil was there, and he clearly wanted to see him. Maybe this would all turn out okay.  Dan only pulled away when he realized they were standing under the mistletoe. They both laughed, then Phil grinned mischievously.

He kissed Dan quickly.  After pulling away, he looked at Dan as if to ask, _Is this okay?_ Dan smiled, but inside he was panicking.  Why had Phil done that after they had already decided to end this?  None of this made any sense, but yet again Dan’s mind was screaming to just tell him already.  He was fairly sure now that Phil must feel _something_ for him, otherwise it would have been clear from day one that this was all just pretend.  As the days passed, it became less obvious what was pretending and what was real. This had definitely been real, right?  Unless Phil was just taking advantage of the opportunity to be close with someone, this had to be real. Dan finally made a decision.

He didn’t exactly say what he meant to.  “I know we’ve agreed to end this in a few weeks, but can we stay like this for now?”

Phil’s eyes widened, and for a moment Dan was terrified that he was wrong.  Then Phil smiled and said, “Sure.” Dan stared at him in shock for a moment, then pulled him forwards and kissed him roughly.   _This was real._  They kissed for a while, until Dan realized he had Phil pinned against the door and awkwardly pulled away.  Maybe Phil was just lonely. Maybe he didn't feel the same. Right now, Dan didn’t care about any of that.

For now, everything would be okay.


	7. Chapter 7

Everything was perfect.  Dan woke up on New Year’s Eve with a sleeping Phil leaning on his chest.  In this moment, it didn’t matter that none of this was real, that Phil might not feel the same.  Dan got to wake up next to  _ Phil, _ got to kiss him, got to call him his boyfriend.  He knew it would have to end, but right now, that didn’t matter.  Everything was perfect, at least for now.

Phil opened his eyes and looked up at Dan, smiling slightly.  “Morning,” Dan said fondly. Phil pulled Dan closer. “Morning,” he replied with a yawn.  They stayed like this for a long time. It was a holiday, why bother getting out of bed before noon?  Dan caught himself staring down at Phil, but let himself stare. He felt so lucky. Phil looked back at him, amused, then kissed Dan.  When Phil pulled away, Dan grinned. He messed up Phil’s hair so it was sticking out in all directions. He looked ridiculous. “Hey!” Phil messed up Dan’s hair too, laughing with his tongue between his teeth.  Dan kissed him before quickly pulling away, unable to contain his laughter. They were happy.

 

He and Phil alternated between playfully teasing each other and kissing lazily for most of the morning.  They didn’t get out of bed until after two in the afternoon. Sitting on the couch and sipping coffees, they watched TV for hours.  Phil turned to Dan.

“I’m cold,” Phil complained.  “Come closer.”

Dan immediately moved closer to Phil and wrapped a blanket around the two of them.  Even after their almost constant cuddling and kissing the past few weeks, Dan couldn’t stop the blush from rising in his cheeks.  He thought back to the beginning of the month, when they had cuddled on this same couch. So much had changed since that day, and Dan couldn’t believe it.  He didn’t know how he could deal with things going back to normal.

_ Does everything even have to go back to normal?  Can’t we just stay like this? _  Dan debated telling Phil how he feels for the millionth time.  He didn’t understand why he hadn’t just said something already.  They could have been together since the beginning if he hadn’t been so scared.  Hell, they almost were, but nothing ever happened. Dan daydreamed of a life where this had been real.  Then he remembered.  _ It’s not too late. _

Dan leaned his head on Phil’s shoulder.  Phil wrapped his arms around him, pressing a kiss to the top of Dan’s head.  He leaned into Phil’s touch, trying to ignore the anxiety buzzing in the back of his mind.  This could ruin everything, but he knew he couldn’t pretend any longer. He had to tell Phil.

 

Dan and Phil chose not to go to a New Year’s party this year, but they celebrated it in their own way.  A playlist of Dan’s choice played quietly as they sipped glasses of wine. Dan only drank a single glass, not wanting what he was planning to say to seem like a drunken mistake.  It was around ten now. The TV played in the background, but neither of them were paying attention. They looked at their phones, occasionally showing each other memes and dog gifs.  It was just a usual evening, except that it wasn’t.

Dan had made up his mind.  He told himself that he didn’t care anymore about how scared he was to date Phil, how scared he was that it wouldn’t work out, how scared he was of being rejected.  He planned out his confession completely, almost laughing at how cheesy it was.

However, as the countdown ticked closer to midnight, Dan became uncertain.  It would make perfect sense for Phil to reject him, right? Part of Dan was completely sure that Phil was just lonely, just using this as an excuse to be closer to someone.  Dan tried to ignore it, but it was getting harder and harder to breathe. He turned away from Phil slightly so he couldn’t see the anxiety on his face. Once he told Phil, there was no going back.  This could ruin their friendship and everything they’ve done together, or maybe it wouldn’t.

Maybe, probably, Phil felt the same.  Dan didn’t understand why the idea of that scared him.  Part of him  _ wanted _ to go back to how things were before, didn’t want to have to deal with constant fear of someone finding out.  He loved Phil so much, but was terrified of loving Phil and terrified of Phil loving him. By eleven thirty he had changed his mind.

“Dan, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Dan hesitated.  “Yeah.”

Phil still looked concerned, and he wrapped an arm around Dan again.  Any other day, he would have calmed down, but this just made him more nervous.  Phil cared about him so  _ goddamn much. _  He realized then that he had to tell Phil.  Phil would never leave him, even if he didn’t feel the same.

The countdown reached one minute.  Phil shifted away from Dan to excitedly chant along with the seconds that were ticking by far too quickly.  Dan wasn’t ready. His mind raced through every possible reaction Phil could have, assuming the worst, but he knew he couldn’t change his mind.  He looked over at Phil nervously. There was only a few seconds left until midnight now.

_ Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five… _

Phil met Dan’s eyes, no longer counting down with the clock.  Dan struggled to meet his gaze, but forced himself to anyway.

_ Four...three...two...one! _

Dan froze.  He wasn’t just anxious now, he was the most scared he’s ever been.  Phil continued looking at him, confused. Dan took a deep breath.

“Phil,” he said quietly, voice shaking almost as much as his hands.  “I love you.” He hesitated for a moment before adding, “I’m  _ in love  _ with you.”

Phil stared at him, eyes wide, and Dan was terrified that he was wrong.  He was sure he had made a mistake, sure that Phil didn’t feel the same, but it was too late to take it back.  Then he felt Phil’s lips on his for just a moment.

Phil pulled away just far enough to look at Dan.  After a long silence, he finally spoke. “I’ve been in love with you for nearly ten years.”

Phil kissed him again, and Dan swore he’d never felt more alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a happy 2019, everyone!! i hope you enjoyed my fic!


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